These Patterns Exist Throughout a Relationship—Not Just at the End
If you’re here, you already have a basic understanding of attachment Theory. And YES, anxious–avoidant attachment patterns (often called the ‘Anxious Avoidant dance) are very common, particularly in romantic relationships. And they’re especially prevalent in the divorce, separation, and post-breakup worlds. But they don’t get talked about nearly enough. Here’s why.
Challenging attachment relationships are, at their core, symptoms of nervous system dysfunction… not moral failings, immaturity, or “just being bad at relationships.” When two people with dysregulated attachment styles come together, their autonomic nervous systems are effectively in conflict, trying to achieve safety in incompatible ways.
Attachment patterns don’t suddenly appear during a breakup. They existed from the beginning, but often stay hidden or minimized in the early, blissful stages:
The anxious partner may feel euphoric because someone finally “sees” them.
The avoidant partner may feel safe because there’s space and admiration.
But over time:
The anxious partner starts to fear abandonment or loss of connection.
The avoidant partner begins to feel engulfed or overwhelmed by emotional intensity.
This tension grows under stress (like parenting, illness, financial strain, or career shifts), and becomes visible at transition points—especially breakups and during separation or divorce. Crisis doesn’t create the pattern. It magnifies it.
Why We Don’t Hear Much About It
1. Pop Psychology Oversimplifies Attachment Dynamics
Most mainstream attachment content online focuses on individual attachment styles (Are you anxious or avoidant?) rather than the dynamic between two people.
This leads people to assume “I’m the problem” or “They’re the problem,” rather than seeing the full relational pattern that’s co-created.
2. Avoidants Often Don’t Seek Help - The Anxious Can't See Themselves
Avoidant individuals often don’t identify with being “emotionally struggling.” They may not resonate with therapy, attachment theory, or inner work until a crisis (like divorce or betrayal) forces them to confront emotional patterns.
Conversely Anxious individuals often can’t realize the extent that their attachment patterns have been also harming the relationship. They often don’t understand how their personal dysregulation is amplifying relational dynamics and the subsequent over functioning is hurting their partner and more importantly themselves.
That means their side of the dynamic is often invisible in popular discourse, which is usually written by or for more anxiously attached audiences.
3. The Pain Is Often Hidden in High-Functioning Relationships
Some anxious–avoidant pairings can look functional on the outside:
Successful careers.
Organized lives.
Seemingly “together” homes.
But underneath that, there’s often loneliness, resentment, silent suffering, and a lack of true emotional intimacy and safety. Since the pain doesn’t always show up as drama, it goes unspoken.
Final Insight: Attachment Is a Nervous System Pattern, Not a Personality Flaw
Both anxious and avoidant partners are usually stuck in Sympathetic Nervous System activation (fight/flight/freeze/fawn), unconsciously trying to protect themselves from abandonment or engulfment. Their behaviors aren’t irrational… they’re trauma-adapted and play out unconsciously in our emotional nervous system. And until both partners start healing their nervous systems, the pattern will keep playing out, regardless of insight.
Here’s the hard truth: unconscious relationships that remain in reactive and dysfunctional attachment loops often do fall apart or become emotionally painful, even if they technically stay together. But the doom only lives in unconsciousness and emotional avoidance.
What’s not doomed:
Relationships where both partners are willing to do the work.
Partnerships where one person breaks the cycle, and the other follows.
Couples who learn to move from coping strategies to co-regulation and mutual repair.
A dysregulated relationship is not a failed relationship. It’s a sign that two people’s nervous systems are trying to protect them in incompatible ways.
When you understand this, shame softens. Grief becomes clearer. And the path forward, whether toward reconnection or conscious uncoupling, becomes rooted in body-based truth, not blame.
In other words:
An anxiously attached person can learn to self-soothe, pause, and hold their boundaries.
An avoidantly attached person can learn to stay present, name their fear, and build capacity for intimacy.
These aren’t personality changes—they’re nervous system retraining.